In high school we deal with lots of underlying emotions; there is that fear of not being accepted by the right group, the worry of not making the best team, and hopes of getting asked to the prom. But one fear that I found to be hugely prevalent during my high school years was that of being alone. God forbid you were ever seen walking from the gym to the cafeteria with out at least one sidekick! It was simply an unspoken rule. I remember many kids would rather have been caught dead than walk from their designated lunch table to the ice cream machine by themselves; and bathroom trips? It must be a contagious sensation, because during my four years I don’t recall having seen many girls take that frightful journey alone. I guess this happens for the same reason that you start fiddling whenever a friend gets up at a restaurant; you know, when you start playing with your cell phone, or the salt and pepper shakers or you decide that you no longer want that caesar salad you had decided on and begin to look over the menu for a second and a third time. But really, what is so scary about being alone?

Most of it comes down to insecurities and the whole cliche "fear of not being liked," thing; often times, it was not even the fear of not being liked but simply the notion that your peers might begin to think that was the case. But why did being alone automatically make a person a pariah? Is it impossible to be alone out of choice? Struggles with these very questions are what made it so hard to go against the grain in high school, and they are also some of the most important questions that are answered in our post high school days. Upon leaving that fun, sheltered, shallow and confused world that is high school we begin to wonder, at what point doing things alone became so taboo? But thankfully in the process of becoming grown up we learn how to have fun with our friends as well as how to enjoy life while being all alone.
When I arrived in Spain I saw this whole, flying solo, thing in a new light. I found myself alone more than I had ever been before. For once, I was left to my own devices; there were fewer shallow influences and less drama, and I was free to discover my true passions and to realize and do what I really liked. It may sound strange, but one of my favorite discoveries during my Spanish experience has been that I have learned to enjoy my own company; after all, there is only one person who’s opinion will always be there and only one person who has control over my life so I might as well be comfortable with her. It is really a wonderful thing torealize that being alone is not the same as being lonely.
4 comments:
Kristie, you are truly fortunate to have discovered this truth at such an early age!
Kristie, I have to say that it was a beautiful thing to discover, mostly because you did in Madrid.
It is incredible that you have discovered than in the same country that ihave been living in for 20 years. I am very glad that I have known you, and that we will be hanging out for the next months. thanks
yur always bro.....gomez
A very good entry Kristie - stuff I thought about and maybe wrote about often - probably not so well. Since we share the same genetics, my guess is that you are moody in regards to your comfort and joy of being alone - preferring it at times, but sometimes missing the commradery (sp?) that comes to those who force themselves to be in the company of others at all times, even if just for the fears you mention.
I love reading these entries because it brings me back to the journey of self discovery that we all go through at your age. It is a great thing to have that journey documented in writing. The process is very gradual and fluid and without these writings, you will never really remember how you thought about things at a certain point of time.
John
i feel honored that you chose to put a photo of me in such a great post. never live your life for others. as morbid as this sounds, when it's all said and done, all you have is yourself.
i miss you!
love,
alex
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